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Clergyman Confronted by Choleric Carnivore

Pastor claims, 'I was attacked by a flying badger!' Updated 12.06.09

EAR FALLS, ONTARIO - In a tale of sheer terror, Rev. David Anderson described an animal attack which took place on a routine trip to the outhouse. As he neared the privy a beast of horrible description charged out at him from the surrounding woods. Rev. Anderson's brother Jim recalled, "I heard this really loud high pitched noise... I had no idea Dave could scream like that."

Infamous 'Chicken-man' Finally Crows Again - 4 Years After Flying Coop

SANTA ANA, CA - Authorities have received possible leads regarding the location of an escaped inmate who gained notoriety in a landmark harassment case in 1987. Authorities have been searching for Joshua 'the Chicken-man' Anderson since he escaped from a minimum-security prison January 1, 2000 due to a "Y2K" glitch in the prison's automated lock systems. An email was sent anonymously to authorities by someone working for the Orange County Register newspaper describing a pattern of behavior considered to be a trademark of the Chicken-man.

U.S. News: Blaine, MN "Gangsta Paradise"

BLAINE, MN - The city of Blaine has been ranked as the premier gangland locale according to U.S. News and World Report's "America's Best Ganglands 2003" guidebook. "Thorty", a member of one of the largest Twin Cities gangs, the 'Cross Czechs', gave a "shoudout to his homeboys on dat upper nort'side."

3 Year-Old Polka King Vanishes

LAKE NORDEN, SD - With crowd favorites like, "Oompah Da Poompah", "Shmorgasbord", and the controversial "Leggo My Schnitzel" - 'Spanky' Anderson had risen to become the polka world's "it" boy. His parents have reported him missing as of 10:22 AM Saturday morning.

"God Loves a Terrier"

LAKE NORDEN, SD - A young boy received his first dog the other day, a feisty little Manchester Terrier whom he named Shadrach. Unfortunately the beautiful relationship came to a screeching halt soon after it had begun when some sick %#@$ ran over Shadrach in front of the 3 year old. Thanks for the memories you %#@$ing piece of $#!^.

Clearwater Beach Under Surveillance

CLEARWATER BEACH, FL - 2 unknown twenty-somethings have been seen lurking around the beachfront and pier area claiming to be "F.B.I." and snickering uncontrollably. The pair are not believed to be dangerous, but authorities are cautioning women to keep a reasonable distance. Standard attire for the pair appear to be cutoff denim shorts and "Big Johnson" or "Nude Coed Volleyball" tshirts.